Readers ask, VICE answers. This time you will read about anal sex, sex toys and limits in relationships
IF YOU WANT TO EXPERIMENT WITH SEX TOYS TO MAKE YOUR SEX LIFE MORE INTERESTING, YOU DON’T NECESSARILY NEED TO INVEST MONEY IN THE FIRST PHASE. YOU CAN, FOR EXAMPLE, USE A TIE TO DO A BIT OF BONDAGE OR AN EYE MASK AS A BLINDFOLD. PHOTO BY DAINIS GRAVERIS VIA PEXELS
The answers below were provided by Kitty Rea, intimacy coach and founder of Influx, the first alternative sex positive space.
It’s perfectly okay to be a straight guy and want anal sex
“I’m a man and I like anal sex. I don’t like men, so how can I get my girlfriend to do this to me? I have so far convinced her to accept that I like to dress sexy in feminine extras. Is there a fisting club or something like that?”
I never get tired of answering hundreds of such questions with the same answer: you can’t convince anyone to want something they don’t want. If your partner, for whatever reason, doesn’t want to try anal sex as the provider, you can’t convince her.
What you can do is help her better understand your need and this sexual activity so she can make an informed decision. If she has more context, that will help her get a better perspective. But it is in no way a guarantee that he will want to have anal sex with you afterwards.
The most useful tool for you is not the hygiene or aesthetics of anal sex, although these details can help. The best tool is vulnerability. That’s why you can ask yourself why you want anal sex so much. Is it physical pleasure? Is it a form of privacy? Is it an emotional need? Is it a kink that psychologically helps you experience things that you cannot experience through other forms of intimacy? All of these answers are correct and valid, and once you figure out which one applies to you, you can start the conversation.
It helps to start this conversation honestly and very vulnerably, directed at you as a couple. This can look something like: “I care a lot about you and our sexuality is very important to me. I trust you and that’s why I have the courage to discuss this topic with you. I would really like to try something new for us.”
This kind of discussion, where your partner understands what’s important to you in anal sex and how it can help you as a couple, is something that can help her be more open to giving anal sex. But I assure you that it will not be successful if you simply take her to a fisting club or go there without her, especially if you are in a monogamous relationship.
Not only is there nothing that specific here, but it’s also a huge leap from “I’d like to try something completely new with my partner who might be reluctant” to “fisting orgy.” When we introduce practices us, especially when they are something that the partner might not initiate, it is essential to start with small steps.
If she feels forced or simply “used” for a pleasure that is only yours, it is very possible that she will reject it or accept it with great reluctance and a lot of judgment. And no one should have to experience their sexuality like that.
What does friends with benefits actually mean?
“Statistically, the best sex is when there are no feelings or obligations. Am I right?”
It’s kind of hard to come to a statistical conclusion related to this question because it depends a lot on what sex without feelings means to each person. Are there feelings in a friends with benefits relationship? Or are there no feelings other than those of love? And we don’t really have relevant statistics directly related to this gray area.
But if we talk statistically, I would say that cis and straight women would rather prefer sex with a long-term partner. There are several studies that show that it is very unlikely that a woman with a vulva will have an orgasm the first time she has sex with a man with a penis.
Things are different for dating between lesbians, where the chances increase that possessors of vulva will have orgasm from the first meeting. In short, when it comes to one night stands, women don’t really get much out of it, in general.
I would say that if more cis men learned more about women’s bodies and were more interested in casual partners having a pleasurable experience, then there would be a lot more women interested in casual sex. And studies show that more men than women prefer casual sex.
But the main difference in preferences may be about emotional avoidance. A 2015 study shows that those with attachment issues prefer casual sex. Those with a more secure attachment style prefer long-term relationships. There are also people who identify as demisexual, for whom sexual attraction occurs after emotional attachment.
I would say that instead of looking at statistics, it would be useful to assume our own preferences. But let’s believe others when they say they prefer something else. Especially since we have so many combinations of long-term relationships and situationships that it’s harder to draw lines in the sand.
Here I can also give a personal example: I prefer partners with whom I have a long-term relationship. That is the most satisfying sex for me. But I had a friend with benefits who then became my friend without benefits for a very long time. Sex with him was very satisfying, but I couldn’t say that there were no feelings there. It wasn’t love, but there were enough emotions, but also a kind of obligation, like showing up when we said we would see each other.
The ABC of sex toys
“I’d like to start using sex toys with my boyfriend, but we don’t know where to start. What would work for some beginners?”
When it comes to sex toys there are a lot of options, so it’s hard to know where to choose and what to start with. It also depends a lot on why you want to introduce toys into your sex life. If you want to intensify the pleasure, you could both experiment with some vibrating toys.
The vibrations can feel just as good on a vulva as a penis, depending on how sensitive the areas are. For starters, any vibrating bullet, no matter how cheap, can help you make some good decisions. Go to the first sex shop or order a small vibrator online. You can massage your intimate areas with it without inserting it into various holes to see if you like the sensation. If you are not sure about the quality of the material, you can wrap it in a condom and use it that way.
For him, you can also choose a penis ring that is flexible. It can intensify pleasure and lead to longer erections. Once you are familiar with these, you can opt for some couple toys. These are inserts that can be used during sex and vibrate in the vagina. Here I advise you on some more expensive products, but well thought out and with quality material.
Lelo has a lot of options and if you already know that you like vibrations, then you can invest in a toy that you will have for a long time to come. Vibrators that can be controlled from a distance are also fun. Here, the king in terms of quality and popularity is Lush from Lovense, but you can also find equally good options from Svakom or WeVibe.
For all this, don’t forget to take a good, water-based lubricant. I always recommend Pjur Aqua or Jo H2O. Either way, good lube should be the first investment you make, with or without toys.
If you want to experiment with toys to make your sex life spicier and more interesting, I wouldn’t say to invest money at first. You can use a tie to make a bit of bondage, an eye mask as a blindfold and different textures around the house for sensory play: some flowers to caress the body or some ice cubes on the breasts can create interesting sensations. You can also heat a scarf on the heater to test how the difference between cold and warm feels.
For spanking, you can try palms. If you really want kinky toys, then I’d go for a very soft suede flogger. Once you find out if you’re on the same wavelength with kinky play, then you have the green light to break the bank on accessories. From butt-plugs and nipple clamps to all kinds of impact tools, the variety is incredible.
What’s the deal with boundaries in a relationship
“My boyfriend wants me to give him oral, but I find it gross. What should I do?”
When it comes to sexuality, every human has some limits. It’s perfectly normal not to be attracted to all things when it comes to sex, and everyone has things they’d like to do with their partners but can’t for various reasons.
Alternative sexuality (kink and BDSM) makes a distinction between hard boundaries and soft boundaries. Hard limits are something we don’t want to do at all – they’re not negotiable. If for you oral sex is a hard limit and you just don’t want to do it at all, then it would be helpful for your friend, as well as for you, to communicate this clearly and firmly.
It’s important for your partner to understand that you don’t want him to insist and that if he puts pressure on you, he won’t get what he hopes for. There are dozens of things he doesn’t want sexually either, and he wouldn’t feel good being pressured into doing them either. Whether it’s agreeing to go gang bang with guys in the gym or agreeing to be anally penetrated or letting you cover him with honey from head to toe and enjoy it. There are certainly things that are hard limits for him.
This might sound like, “It makes me feel like you’re not respecting my choices when you insist that I give you oral sex. I told you that it is not something I want and I will ask you not to open the subject with me.” It’s important that you feel respected and safe in your privacy, and pressure from a partner doesn’t help you feel that way. It may even increase your aversion to a sexual act that you see as “obligatory.”
We also have soft limits. These are sexual practices that we don’t necessarily want now, but that we might be willing to explore in the future. If that’s how oral sex is for you, then you can try to figure out why you don’t like it now. Maybe it’s because you see the penis as a dirty object? Then it would help if your partner washed right before sex. Or maybe you find the idea of having cum in your mouth gross, and then you can negotiate that you give her oral sex, but she completes it in a different way.
It is possible to perceive oral sex as disgusting because, often, this sexual act is seen as shameful for “decent” and respectable women in society. In this case, I can assure you that a lot of people do oral sex because it is a form of intimacy and pleasure with their partner and that does not make them any less worthy of respect or affection. The idea is to allow yourself to explore, without pressure, and find out what ingredients might make oral sex something you’d want to try.
When it comes to relationships, we also have the idea of indulgence from love. It’s like when your boyfriend takes pictures of you for Instagram and struggles to get the best angles. Maybe he’s not into photography or Instagram, but he knows it’s important to you and he does it with love. It is super important to point out here that the loving indulgence must come from you. That you want If it is the pressure from the other, then there is no more tolerance out of love.
So if you’re thinking you’d like to give her the experience of oral sex, but you don’t know where to start because it’s gross to you, then you can start very easily. I recommend you watch some sensual erotic movies where the partners do oral sex. When we see certain things in practice, we realize that they are normal and maybe easier to do than we thought. And you can start without directly giving oral sex. You can try to touch and kiss her body all over. This will help you see where you find his body delicious and desirable, and where that area is starting to look gross.
Once you get used to kissing him all over, you can slowly approach the more “problem” areas with kisses. Oral sex is not something you have to do right away, completely and perfectly. But if you want to give her that experience, you can be patient with yourself and go at a pace you feel comfortable with.
I hope you discover your limits and can explore things sexually that bring you closer together without feeling obligated to each other. Because this is what intimacy and pleasure look like with your partner.
